Millar Moments: A SAD MONTH FOR OUR FAMILY WITH THE PASSING OF OUR GRANDSON, JARON

This has been a hard post to create. Hence it being so late in getting it up and published. I had it almost done a few days ago and something happened that caused it to all delete, so here we go again. As the title of this post suggests we lost our grandson, Jaron, in January. Sadly he took his own life. We had seen him the day after Christmas and noticed that he was not his usual self. He wouldn't join in with the other boys in playing games or doing puzzles. At dinnertime, he hardly ate anything. It was hard to even engage him in any conversation. When Jon left to take the boys back home to Salt Lake, both Paul and I expressed concern for Jaron and his mental state. He had been diagnosed as bi-polar and we learned, after his death, that he had been having bouts with schizophrenia, hearing voices that wanted him to do bad things. We are sad that he couldn't find another way through these mental issues that were plaguing him but we know now that he is free. Ever since we saw him in December, I've prayed that he could find himself and become all he could become. This was the Lord's answer to those prayers.....Jaron is free to become all that he can. We read a talk from Elder Bruce R. McConkie that gave us lots of comfort. He said that anyone whose mind was so muddled as to take their own life, would not be held accountable for that action. We will miss Jaron but we also know that he is in a better place, surrounded by those family members who have passed on before him.

There was a candlelight vigil held in Jaron's honor on Tuesday, January 30. We did not attend but Jon and Mindi and Clark, Olivia, and Carly went. They lit candles, watched a video of Jaron, and sent up paper lanterns - several of which got caught in a tree. The fire department showed up to make sure the tree didn't catch on fire. Jon and Mindi said it was a nice affair but very cold standing around for so long.

Watching the lanterns

The next night was the viewing. It was well attended by Jen's friends. We were there to support Jon and Mindi. Andrea, Ryan and Todd were there, too. We had some good conversations with Jon's boy and hopefully helped comfort them a bit. We went up to give our condolences to Jen and she wouldn't even hug me. I guess she still resents me from years ago when I stood up for Jon against her. She hugged Paul and even said she loved him. Interesting.

The next afternoon was the funeral with another viewing before hand. It was heartwarming to see the amazing number of people that came to support Jon and Mindi. Most were people whom Jon had worked with throughout the years in the seminar business. Obviously, Jon is very much respected in that business. We heard that some had even brought their private jets from back East to pay their respect. Deon and Gary Fuller, as well and Kathy and Kurt Morgan came, too. About 15 minutes before the services were to begin, the funeral director cleared the room except for family. At that time, Paul said a few words of comfort and hope before he gave a beautiful family prayer. It was at that time, we all filed into the chapel for the funeral proceedings. Here is where things started to go south for our family, especially for Jon. The boys all gave very short and tear filled talks, two of them never mentioning Jon but giving thanks to their step father of a year and a half. The other two talks praised Jen for her being a wonderful mother, never mentioning Jon, either. It was as if Jon was a non entity in Jaron's life. (Part of our problem with all this is that we know the true Jen because of how she treated Jon, and often Jaron, while they were married and what she had done to both of them since the divorce.) Jen would not take any of Jon's suggestions for the funeral program and now we knew why. She didn't want our family, especially Jon, to be given any credit for loving Jaron. During the remarks by the Bishop, who also lauded Jen's mothering prowess, Jon got up and walked out of his own son's funeral. He went up to the foyer, followed by Mindi and several of his friends. The Bishop was noticeably shaken by this and ended his talk quickly. The funeral couldn't get over soon enough for the Millars and our family and friends. Jon did come back in for the closing prayer because Ryan was giving it. Many people came up to Paul and I and expressed their disgust with the funeral proceedings. Even our neighbor, the Smiths, who don't know any history of Jon and Jen, thought it was all very inappropriate. Many people cornered the Bishop and expressed their distain for what he had allowed to happen. I'm afraid I was one of those disgruntled people and took my anger and hurt feelings out on him. (I later sent him a text to apologize which he acknowledge and sent me back a beautiful message.) He and the Stake President got together with Jon and Mindi at the church before the dedication of the grave. The Bishop apologized profusely for his oversite and said he would try and make it right at the gravesite. When we all got there, he got up and recognized the gross oversight of Jaron's dad. He asked Jon to come forward and say a few words. Through many tears, Jon expressed his deep love for Jaron and also for his other boys. It was good that he was finally recognized as an important part of Jaron's life. After the dedication of the grave, Braydon and Jaiden, who had failed to mention him in their talks, came up to Jon and shed many tears as Jon quickly forgave them. Such a Christ like gesture on Jon's part. We all decided that we couldn't go to the family dinner back at the church after how we had been treated so instead we met at Todd's home, ordered pizza, and had a great time together. Jon said the day couldn't have ended better, not only because we were all together as a family, but because the people at the funeral finally could see the who Jen truly was. (A couple of Jen's friends, even came up and apologized to Jon for how he was overlooked.)

Before the funeral, waiting for the viewing to begin

Andrea and her girls and Kasey, Maggie's husband
at the viewing before the funeral

Pink beanies for all.
Jaron always wore a beanie so in honor of him Jon had
purchased pink beanies for all the boys.
He gave the beanies to them at the gravesite.
Pink was one of Jaron's favorite colors.

I cannot leave this post about Jaron's passing without acknowledging all the tender mercies from the Lord the we saw during this hard time.

1. The Sunday after we found out about Jaron, we went to church. All was fine until it was time to go the Relief Society and Priesthood. I told Paul I didn't think I could go to the next hour. I was afraid I couldn't control my emotions and it would be obvious that something was wrong if I had to get up and leave. It was either sit in the car for the next 45 minutes or go to Relief Society so I went to Relief Society. I happened to sit by Tamara Hardt and when the lesson started and the teacher said she was going to break us up into small groups, I turned to Tamara and said I couldn't do a small group and thought I would leave. She said she would go with me. When everyone started to move their chairs around into their groups, we got up and left. Tamara caught up with me and asked what was wrong. I told her about Jaron taking his life. She put her arm around me and told me that her brother had committed suicide two years earlier. She was exactly who I needed at that moment. We spent the rest of class time sitting in the foyer talking and crying together. A sweet miracle from the Lord.

2. Jon and Mindi wanted to view Jaron's body before the actual viewing so they went to the mortuary on Tuesday, the day before the Wednesday evening viewing. When Jon got there, he totally lost it, sobbing uncontrollably. Mindi said that all of a sudden he stopped crying. When she asked him what he was feeling, he said he could feel Jaron and that brought him some peace. A little later, Jon told Mindi that he had the feeling that Jaron was saying to him, 'Dad, there was no other way.' What a comfort that was for Jon. He knew Jaron was all right and free and happy.

3. At the temple on the Friday, the day after Jaron's funeral, Paul and I both felt the hand of the Lord giving us comfort. In our prayer meetings, we sing several songs before the meeting actually starts. In Paul's meeting, they sang 'There is Sunshine in my Soul Today.' Paul's first thought was how can there be sunshine in his soul today? We had just buried our grandson and it was dark and cloudy outside. He realized while he was singing that there was sunshine in his soul because of the Jesus Christ and the temple blessings available to all of us. He told the brethren before dismissing them what had been testified to him that very day.

4. My experience in the temple was kind of the same. We sang 'Where Can I Turn for Peace?' I was doing ok until that song and then I lost it. My coordinator noticed my tears and after the meeting came up to me and asked what was wrong. I told her about Jaron and the hard feelings we had from the funeral. She reminded me that I could find peace in the temple. My first assignment was the recommend desk where I had to greet the patrons and make them feel loved and welcome. That was the very position I needed to be able to step out of my own grief and help others feel the spirit of the temple. I know I was assigned that post because it was what I needed that very day. I truly found peace in the temple.

5. It was Fast and Testimony meeting that next Sunday. Paul got up and told about his experience in the temple and finding peace, even in hard times. The testimony meeting was very touching especially when a Brother Goulding got up and gave his testimony. He's a psychologist at the VA and works with troubled veterans. He said that often they just sit together in silence and feel strengthened because everyone there 'gets it.' They know how everyone is feeling because they have experience the same thing. He went on to say that because of his atoning sacrifice and his suffering on our behalf, our Savior 'gets it.' We just have to be still and feel his loving and merciful arms around us. This was wonderful for Paul and I to hear.

6. We have never had so many people reach out to us in love. Cards from old friends, flowers, cookies, muffins, and visits all came our way. The Lord knew we needed those loving arms from so many.

Now for the happier things that happened this month......

We met Ryan, Katie, Grace, and Nathan at the high school in Herrington to watch Julia perform with her drill team in a competition. We could only watch one dance of the two she performed but we were glad we could see her dance. She did really well.

We also celebrated Aria's 8th birthday. I baked her a cake that said 'It's great to be 8.' She loved it and the presents we got her - a three dog lego set and a Star Wars activity book. We also gave her $50 to spend on something for herself. Later that week, she went to the store and bought a variety of things. She also shared some of her money with Avery so she could get a present for herself. Such a beautiful thing for an 8 year old to do.

Another highlight of the month was attending Kim and Eric Howe's sealing in the Provo temple. He received his endowments a few months ago and now is sealed to his beautiful bride, Kim. It was a beautiful affair, despite the fact that we lost Gary just before the sealing took place. He had been left sitting at the recorder's area by the living endowment coordinator. He was found and made it into the sealing room before the ceremony started. We all met at PF Chang's for dinner afterwards. A rainy day but a day filled with the sunshine of the temple and family and friends.

The weather had been crazy this month. We got hit with a massive snowstorm at the first of the month but it was nothing compared to the ice storm that hit Andrea's area in Oregon. Their power was out for several days and they even had an accident driving to help another church congregation save a tent. It was an interesting few days for them for sure.

Main street in Springfield

Power lines and trees down everywhere.

Our 15 inches of snow

Paul had fun completing the puzzle of Pleasant Grove that Ryan's family gave him for Christmas. When he got it out after Christmas to do it, all our company finished it so he wanted to do it all by himself. He even banned me from working on it.